


where you can be reborn

by summerequinox



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Adam Parrish-centric, Animal Death, Blood Drinking, Blood and Gore, Child Abuse, M/M, Nightmares, Non-Consensual Blood Drinking, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Ronan helps, The Barns (Raven Cycle), Vampires, adam is a vampire
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-02-11
Packaged: 2019-10-09 10:34:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17405312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/summerequinox/pseuds/summerequinox
Summary: Adam is attacked and turned into a vampire. Without anyone else to turn to, he heads for the Barns.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> title from BITE by troye sivan
> 
> (not proofread i apologize for any mistakes)
> 
> tw for child abuse and assault

Adam Parrish had always known hunger. In all of its forms. He hungered for knowledge, for acceptance, for love and for food. He was the last person to be served at the dinner table, without exceptions, and food was sparse. Even when he picked up his own shifts, buying food wasn’t high on Adam’s list of priorities, so he kept on being used to the hunger. After a while it became a part of him. He felt strange on the rare occasions that his stomach felt full and satisfied. He had learned to live with it.

But this. This was something else.

This hunger took over all of his senses. He hadn’t even opened his eyes yet. He hadn’t even began to process what had happened to him. What Adam felt first was the excruciating need that had to be satisfied. He didn’t just feel the hunger pains in his stomach, no, he felt it in every cell of his body. All Adam knew in that moment was that he had to do something about it. Fast.

When he finally opened his eyes all he could see was darkness. It smelled like dirt and grass. Adam allowed himself to be pulled back in to reality, and memories came flooding back. At first he thought it was just simply another episode of disociacion. His soul had been in another place for a little while, as his mother used to say when it was all Adam could do to cope. 

He remembered the look in his father’s eyes that morning. It was a saturday, Adam had the day off, and it was a bad day. Countless things could have been the reason for the horrible day Robert Parrish was having, but Adam always seemed to be the reason for everything bad that happened in the trailer park, no matter what. He would keep his distance. Perhaps indulge himself and escape away to Monmouth for a while. But on days like these, days when the entire air felt like it was loaded with electricity and tension, Adam barely dared to leave his room. He decided to get ahead with the assigned reading and be as silent as he could. The match that finally sparked the flame was something out of Adam’s control. A letter regarding his scholarship money had been dropped into their crooked mailbox. 

The following events were too painful for Adam to think about. He stashed them away deep in his mind like he always did.

The dark spot in his memory ends with Adam laying outside, on the damp grass, in the cold night. His father slammed the door to their home, before the silence was restored in the trailer park. It was almost peaceful, Adam thought. There was a gentle breeze. The sky was clear and full of bright stars. The blood was rushing out of his body violently. The one thing that disturbed the tranquility was of course Adam’s intense fear of death. He was not ready. He was not done yet. His mind slowly faded away as the pain he felt became overwhelming.

 

The next time his eyes fluttered open, he was no longer in the yard of their small lot. The night sky above him was obstructed by the dense treetops, and.. there was something on top of him. Something on his body, on his skin, invading his space. He had no power to do anything about it, and as more of his consciousness returned and he became more aware of his current situation, he almost wished he could go back to that unknowing state.

 

That ’something’ on top of him was biting his neck and drawing blood. It didn’t hurt, per say. But it felt wrong. It felt violating.

 

Then it stopped. “I didn’t mean to- I, I’m so sorry, you were bleeding, oh god..” The panicked voice rambled on while Adam tried to process what had just happened. “Open your mouth, please!” Cold hands scratched at his mouth frenetically. “You must! You must!” His mouth was pried open, and before he knew it he felt a rotten taste on his tongue. The metallic taste of blood hit his taste buds. This was so fucked up. This wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. “Good.. Drink up.. It’ll be okay.” Adam closed his eyes one more time, and that was the last event registered in his memory. 

In the present, he was only seeing darkness. When he attempted to move, he realized he was laying under soil and tufts of grass. As if someone had tried to cover his body. He sat up straight, trying to ignore the hunger. But it was the only thing on his mind. Hunger, hunger, hunger. He was covered in mud and his clothes were ruined. Instantly he thought about what his father would say when he saw his shirt all messed up. Which was rather silly considering he should be thinking about how he was almost beaten to death, assaulted by some monster and then left under a pile of dirt in the woods. But Adam knew himself. If he began processing that it would be too much. He strongly preferred pushing it to the back of his head. Besides the hunger, there was a smell. It was rather intoxicating, like spring flowers or the cologne Declan forced Ronan to wear to church. Upon closer inspection it was coming from a deer, laying next to Adam. The neck was snapped, leading it to lay in an awkward position. Someone, probably the person who had concealed his body, had left it there for him.

His teeth sat uncomfortably in his mouth, Adam remarked.

He realized then, what had happened. What he had to do. It all came to him at once and he was forced to accept it. The instinct overpowered him and despite his conscious thoughts screaming at him that this was wrong, this was all kinds of wrong and fucked up and not right at all, Adam leaned down towards it.

 

After it all, he could think clearly, which made it all so much worse. Where would he go? His clothes were covered in blood and grime. He undoubtedly looked like absolute shit. His phone was in his pocket without any battery along with his car keys. In the distance, the lights from the trailer park could be seen from behind the trees. Adam got up, and began moving towards his beat up hybrid (not in the fancy, electric way) of a car. 

 

The clock on the dashboard said 03:18. Adam already knew where he was headed, but after all, he only knew one person who would be up at this hour.


	2. drape me in your warmth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> adam goes to see ronan

“Where the actual fuck have you been, Parrish?”

He was aware of how he looked. In the car, Adam had caught a glimpse of himself in the rearview mirror. He had thought about what he was going to say to Ronan on the car ride to the hidden away paradise that was Ronan’s home. How he would explain everything, but now he was dumbfounded. All of the possible lines he had rehearsed in his head were gone from his memory when Ronan opened the door. 

“What do you mean?” Adam asked, his brows furrowed.

“You just dropped off the goddamn earth, Parrish. You even missed school for three fucking days.” Ronan said, his frown deeper than Adams. “What the fuck happened? Are you bleeding?” 

“Uh, this isn’t my blood..” Three days? It was saturday.. It had to still be saturday. Had he really been laying in the woods for that long? Despite everything, what he felt the most freaked out about was losing three full days of classes. “I just.. Something bad happened.” Adam’s eyes met Ronan’s. 

“Yeah. I can see that.”, Ronan said. “Jesus christ, just come inside.” Ronan ushered Adam in and closed the heavy door behind him. “You stink, Adam. And you look like shit.”

Adam smiled, slightly. Only Ronan would not ask any appropriate questions at all. “Yeah. I know that. Could I borrow your shower?”, he asked.

“Of course. You idiot.”

 

The water was dyed brown whilst streaming down Adam’s cold body. No matter how hot the water was turned up, he felt cold. A shiver went down his spine when the water pooling around his feet turned red. Surely the porcelain of the fancy bathroom would not stain, right?  
Adam had more pressing concerns to think about, though. Specifically, how he would explain this whole mess to Ronan. After all they’d done a lot of extraordinary and unbelievable things together in the past, he doubted Ronan wouldn’t believe him, he was just afraid of his reaction.

Ronan was a magical creature. Sometimes, Adam saw his powers as god-like. But vampires weren’t heavenly creatures, they were the opposite. He had to test his theory again. Nail scratching skin, his blood seeped out. Only a few moments later the wound closed up, like something out of a dream. No scar left behind. Adam let out a deep sigh. This was actually happening. In the mirror of the bathroom, Adam inspected his canine teeth. It was as if they had been sharpened down to a point. They looked foreign in his mouth. They didn’t fit, whatsoever.

The clothes Ronan had given him fit a little bit big on him, but it was not too bad. They smelled like him. Like his Ronan. His old clothes had been stuffed into the bin tucked away by the sink, ruined for good. For a split second he thought about how furious Robert Parrish would be, before he realized he would most likely never see his father again. His parents probably thought he was dead. Perhaps his father had stepped up before dawn, grabbed a hose and washed away all the bloody traces of his only child, his mother watching from the window. Perhaps they had been relieved, Adam was finally gone for good. He closed the door behind him with a soft click, and began what felt like a long journey downstairs to the kitchen, where he heard Ronan using the microwave.

 

Adam sat in silence, watching the heated-up slice of pizza. It made him want to retch. Ronan was biting on the leather bands around his wrist, a sign of nervousness. Adam had to speak up at some point, but Ronan broke the silence first. ”I went by your home yesterday.” he said. Adam’s eyebrow shot up, and he was struck by panic. ”What? Why? Did you knock on the door?” he rambled, looking at him in anticipation of the answer. ”Your mom said you’d left town. But I knew it was fucking bullshit. I knew it was your asshole dad.” Ronan said, obviously agitated. ”Don’t.” Adam pleaded softly. ”Just don’t, Ronan.

They had an agreement. They did not talk about his father.

”Where were you, then? Your phone has been dead.” Adam held back a smile. Ronan had tried to call him. The thought was rather wholesome. His happiness faded when he realized he had to tell him now. He could not slither his way out of this one.

”I was attacked.” he began. That was the truth. ”By something. It wasn’t human.” Adam continued carefully, looking up and monitoring Ronan’s reaction. Their blue eyes met. Behind Ronan’s, Adam could see anger. He was not certain of the target. “And I think that they might have passed it.. Passed it on to me.” There. It was out. Although, Adam knew he would have to explain it all further until Ronan was satisfied. He could feel the panic rise up. Saying it out loud made it all true. It had happened. His body was changing, he had missed several days of school, his entire life would change, he had consumed every single drop of blood from a deer in the woods and he had not been able to stop. He began fidgeting with his hands on the wooden table of Ronan’s eccentric kitchen. 

“Adam. Are you okay?” Ronan asked, his frown deep once again. 

When he looked down, he realized that his nails had left deep claw marks in the heavy oak. Adam hadn’t even noticed.

“No. I’m really not.”

Ronan nodded, looking at him. His brows furrowed and his jaw tensed, signaling he was deep in his thoughts. “Tomorrow we’ll go to Sargent’s. We’ll fix this. I promise.” His voice was soft, in a way Adam had never heard it before. “You can sleep in my bed. I’ll sleep in Declan’s room.” Ronan added. 

The clock on the nightstand said it was almost dawn. He was not sure if it was a dream object or not because it looked quite mundane, but with the Barns you could never be truly sure. Before Adam crawled into the bed, he closed the curtains shut. He wasn’t really sure which vampire myths were true and which were not, and he did not like the thought of dying of spontaneous combustion in Ronan’s childhood bed.


	3. sing me like a choir

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> adam and ronan leave the barns

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> slight tw for violent content concerning animals

Adam rarely remembered what he dreamt of. One, he didn’t get much sleep, and two, Adam hypothesized that perhaps his brain was so used to repressing things that he simply locked his dreams away in an instant when he opened his tired eyes. That night, or day if you want to get technical, he remembered it vividly. He dreamt of blood and carnage. He dreamt of the animals that used to inhabit the Barns, stuck in an eternal slumber. The cattle was lined up in the large barn for him, waiting. The gentle and docile creatures did not have to wait long for Adam to slaughter them, one by one. He was systematic about it in his dream, not as frantic as he had been in the woods. It was satisfying to watch them topple over when he was done. He felt strong, he felt powerful, he felt-

“Parrish. Parrish, you have to wake up.”

His eyes shot open, staring at Ronan. Something in them made Ronan flinch, edging away from Adam in fear, almost. “What? What happened?” Adam asked, confused. It had just been a dream. It hadn’t actually happened, if so his clothes would have been stained, and the animals weren’t even there nowadays and, and Adam would never do anything like that, right? He began fidgeting again, but this time Ronan grabbed his hands and moved them away from his sheets before they could be ripped apart. Ronan’s sight was fixed on Adam’s hands, as they often were, but this was different. It was as if he didn’t want to look Adam in the eyes. “It’s already seven and the sun is setting. If we’re going to Maggot’s, we should get going soon.”

“Why didn’t you wake me?” Adam said, retracting his hands again, even he if he liked the warmth Ronan’s grip radiated.

“You seemed like you needed to sleep. Now let’s get in the car, Parrish.”

 

The BMW dashed across the countryside road, way too fast as usual. Adam was comfortable in the passenger seat. It was natural, really, Blue rode with Gansey in the Camaro and Adam rode with Ronan in the BMW. Two pairs. He didn’t stop to think about the implications. Ronan was quiet during the ride, but he hadn’t started blasting his awful music either. He seemed tense. The tension hadn’t left him since Adam showed up on his doorstep, bloody and dirty. The closer they got to 300 Fox Way, the more Adam began to worry. Blue would know, which meant Gansey would know, which meant that anyone else who mattered would also know. He could just imagine it, the onslaught of questions and how “fascinating” Gansey would find it all. Richard Gansey III was rarely intentionally malicious, but Adam did not doubt for a second that he would overstep his boundary when it came to this. When it came to magic and all things unbelievable. All of them would not be like Ronan. 

“Ronan. Stop the car.”, Adam said suddenly when they entered the street leading up to Blue’s house. 

Ronan did as he was told, and pulled up to the curb. “I don’t want to go to Blue’s. I don’t, I don’t want to.” Adam said shortly. “Can you take us back go the Barns?”

“Yeah. I can, Adam, but then you have to tell me what the fuck is going on with you. Where you were all this time, why were you a bloody mess when you came last night, and what the fuck happened to your eyes?” Ronan exclaimed, his grip on the steering wheel tight and his expression filled with worry. Adam winced on pure instinct when Ronan suddenly raised his voice. 

“I’ll tell you! Okay, I’ll tell you? But this isn’t fucking easy, alright? I don’t even know what is going on myself and I’m afraid, Ronan. I’m afraid of what I can and will do, what this all means and what the fuck is going to happen to me. I’ll tell you when I’ve processed this shit myself, yeah?!” Adam erupted, the stress finally becoming too much for him. 

Ronan kept his gaze locked on the road ahead of them. “I’ll tell you, Ronan.” Adam said, calming down again. “Just please take us back to the Barns.” The Barns was the only place he felt safe. He knew that wasn’t entirely true. He felt safe when he was with Ronan.

 

As the car rolled up to Ronan’s home, Adam realized he was yet again backed into a corner. “We’re here now.”, Ronan said. “It’s time for you to explain some shit.”

Adam sighed. “Here? In the car?” Ronan nodded. “Yeah. Right fucking now, Parrish.”

“Alright. Fine.” Christ, Adam prefered when Ronan didn’t ask any questions. “The thing that attacked me, I.. It happened in the woods by my house. I was bleeding, a lot, and I think that it attracted some kind of.. vampire.” Adam said, speaking the words out loud for the first time. He looked at Ronan, who wasn’t commenting. He sent him a short nod, a “go on then” of sorts.

“And it bit me, then forced it’s blood down my throat. I know it sounds crazy, but I think it turned me. It’s the only way everything that has happened since then makes sense.” The worst part was coming up, at least for Adam. “When I woke up there was this deer. And I, it was dead, and I.. You can figure out what I did. But that has been the only animal I’ve had any blood from.” He nervously ran his hand through his hair. 

“Well, then, what do you plan on drinking next?” Ronan asked.

“Huh?” 

“Vampires drink often, in books and shit. Won’t you have to drink again?”

Shit. Adam had been foolishly ignoring that fact, pushing it to the back of his mind. He’d been relishing in the sense of safety he had felt, just for a little while. But Ronan was right, and after he mentioned it Adam could feel the hunger start to gnaw on him. Not as intense as before, but it was there, with a promise that it would only get stronger.

“You believe me?”, Adam asked, purposefully dodging the question. “Of course I believe you, Parrish, you idiot. Your eyes went this bright fucking red when you woke up, I thought you were possessed by some leyline-monster-demon-shit. I’m just trying to figure out what the hell we do next.” Ronan replied, shaking his head at Adam.

“We?” Adam's voice was questioning. It was asking for a promise from Ronan.

“Yes, we. It’s always me and you, Parrish. And I’ve never seen you this wigged out, I’m not gonna let you deal with this shit on your own. Let’s go inside now.” Ronan assured him.

During the short trip from the BMW to the doorstep, Ronan wrapped his arm around Adam. The warmth radiated through his being. To some, it may seem like a simple friendly action. But Adam knew the weight it carried, and the second he stepped over the threshold, the entire house became an extenstion of Ronan's strong arm. It was safe, warm and comforting. Adam had been wrong to leave it for even a second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you so much for your kind comments! expect the next update some time next week. the story is still growing in my mind but i'm trying to get out some consistent updates.


	4. i can be the subject of your dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> adam and ronan think of the hunger

Adam should hate this. He should hate feeling this weak, hate feeling dependent on Ronan, but the circumstances were out of the ordinary this time. It forced him to process some things, process his feelings. He couldn’t deny it. He couldn’t deny the heat in his stomach caused by sitting next to Ronan on the couch, knee to knee. Something about what had happened to him made Adam want to curl up and just lose himself to his internal being, but Ronan kept all of that away. Funny, almost, how this trauma was what finally broke him after all the years with his father.

“I’m going to dream something for you.” Ronan said, breaking the silence.

“Something like what?” Adam asked, a small smile spreading across his face. He thought about the cream sitting in the glove compartment of his car. for your hands.

“Something. So you won’t have to go hungry.”

It seems like the whole consuming blood thing was still on Ronans mind. Understandable, seeing as the two of them were all alone. He was the only potential candidate. He didn’t doubt that Ronan was capable, Ronan was capable of greatness after all. Adam just didn’t like thinking about the hunger, and he especially didn’t like thinking of drinking blood from a human, from Ronan. 

“I haven’t dreamt with a purpose in a long time. But I’ll try later tonight.” Ronan continued. Adam nodded shortly, grateful, still.

They sat in silence together, Adam focused on Ronan and Ronan focused on his thoughts.

“Are you ever going to tell Gansey? Blue, and Noah? You know this barely makes the top three on the list of crazy shit we’ve been through, right?” Ronan said, looking up at Adam again. “I’ll tell them. I just have to.. I have to figure this out for myself first. But I knew I could trust you with this until then.” Adam replied in earnest, fidgeting with the hems of Ronans sweater, which he was still wearing. The fidgeting wasn’t as frantic as before, he was slowly getting used to his new strength. “But I should probably text them. Tell them I’m fine.” 

Ronan nodded. He shifted ever so slightly, and Adam once again became aware of how close they were sitting. Ronan had to be doing it intentionally. Adam wasn’t stupid, he was aware of the tension that had been building over the course of their friendship. He was aware of what Ronan did for him, how he went above and beyond anything that would be expected of just a friend. But the both of them prefered to dance around it. It was all looks from across the room, knees touching under the table, small actions with larger implications. He knew Ronan had to feel something towards him, but he also knew that Ronan never explicitly acted on it. Perhaps this whole ordeal had brought them together in a different way.

Adam was a closed off person. He was strictly private. But this situation forced him to expose himself in a way he never had prior. He needed help, and for the first time in a long while he accepted it from Ronan without protest. 

“I didn’t get any sleep last night.. So.. I should try to get to dreaming.” Ronan said, moving away from Adam again. “You’ll stay up, or?”

“I’ll stay up. I hope it goes well.” Adam said with a smile.

 

 

Adam awoke later, unaware he had fallen asleep on the couch in the first place. It was still dark out, and the candle Ronan had lit on the coffee table had burned out. He quickly sat up, when he realized that the creaking of steps on the large staircase was what woke him up. He threw a look on the clock by the television. Almost 2:30. Ronan really did not have a healthy relationship with sleep. “I did it.” Ronan said with a bright grin, after flicking on the lights in the living room. “I fucking did it.”

“What’s “it”?” Adam asked, still rather disoriented. Plus, the hunger that was creeping up on him had gotten worse. “I dreamt it. No nightmares and shit, even.” Ronan sat down next to him on the sofa again. He had something in his hand. It was a bright red pill bottle, contrasting Ronans skin tone. “It took me some time to figure something out but I think I got it.”

Adam took the small bottle from him, inspecting it further. “What does it do?” Ronan took it back. “It’s not for you, it’s for me. It’s to help me recover. The plan is sort of that uhm..” He hesitated. Something in his expression told Adam that he perhaps hadn’t thought this through. “That you drink from me. And I can take these pills to help my body, you know, not break down and shit.” Ronan ran his hand over his buzzed head, then resting it on his neck. He most likely didn’t do it on purpose, but his words combined with Adam’s gaze landing on the skin exposed there, between Ronans fingers made the hunger even worse. The thought of drinking from him set something inside of him ablaze, and Adam hated it.

“Are you fucking crazy, Ronan? I’m not going to drink from you, you’re insane!” Adam exclaimed, distancing himself from Ronan. “I don’t think you understand what I meant when I told you about the deer. I tore it to pieces, Ronan! I basically massacred it!”

“Well do you have any other bright ideas, Parrish?!”, Ronan said with a deep frown. “This way you’ll never run out, you’ll never have to worry. And that deer shit, you just weren’t prepared! Now you will be, yeah? I’ll push you away or something if it becomes too much. You’re a weak fuck.” Ronan uttered the last sentence with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood again.

“You’re such an idiot.” Adam said.

 

He despised the fact that he was warming up to the idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! thank you for the comments and sorry for the lack of updates, i've just been a bit conflicted about where to take the plot and haven't had much time to write. the next chapter might be the last! we'll see


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